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2004-01-18, 3:58 p.m.

Ugh, my life just seems so pointless right now. I know that I have a big job, and an important one, but I just can't get excited about it right now. I don't know if it's because I'm spending all of my time missing John, or if I'm depressed, or what.

John came this weekend, and he met all of my friends here, and we had a good time. But today when he left, I cried. Not till after he was gone, but I still sat on the couch and cried and felt empty. I know I'll see him again in five days, but I just don't know if I can go on like this for two years, living for the weekends, wishing my life away. I think I really am depressed.

Anyway, the diet so did not go well this weekend. On Friday we listened to this lady talk about English Language Learners and how to more effectively teach them and how to adapt assignments for them. She never really addressed the English teachers, though, so she was always saying things like, "If you're teaching about shapes, don't have them write an essay to tell what they've learned, because that's not your objective, is it? For them to write an essay?" Well, what if it IS your objective? How do you modify your assignment to help them do it, and then do you evaluate them the same as everyone else? I was a little confused. But she was still interesting to listen to.

Friday after the speaker, a bunch of us teachers went out for "coffee" and hung out. John didn't get there till after 6, and some of the teachers had left already, but he did meet some of them. He met the band teacher that I hang out/drink with a lot, and he seemed to like him. We also went to dinner with my co-English teacher lady friend and her husband. It was fun. Saturday we just goofed off and planned this elaborate dinner that we picked out from one of my cookbooks. It was some chicken dish with a creamy vegetable sauce. We drank and drank and drank. We watched Bowling for Columbine, and I was touched because he cried a lot when it showed the dad speaker whose son was killed at Columbine. We watched A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and The Thirteenth Floor and Underworld. We cuddled. It was sweet and nice. I didn't do any schoolwork. Damn. Now second semester will start and I have to get two new classes off the ground and continue with my sophomores. Monday and Tuesday are ITEDs, though, so I'll have some time to plan. Today I highlighted my hair. It doesn't look terrible. I'm getting up the motivation to go run, which I haven't done since Wednesday, as I've been lazy and drunk and my quads hurt. One bad thing about the weekend: John and I were working out in the gym, and he said, "You used to be so strong... I want a strong girlfriend." And I said, "I used to do nothing but work out." I don't think he meant to be mean, though. And I am working to lose weight. I just screwed up this weekend. 158 this morning. I will do better than this. I swear. Maybe I should go to the doctor or something. I mean about the depression. I just feel really low. And so lonely - so goddamn lonely.

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